If you did not hear “Daily Show” correspondent Hasan Minaj’s commentary at the Radio and Television Correspondent's Association Dinner, have a quick viewing here (For the full transcript click on "Read More"):
Wow, one more time for Mr. John Kasich. Everybody give it up for him. [applause] wow, John, we have so much in common. You know, were both from small towns, people can't pronounce our names and neither of us will ever become president it is amazing. It's great because john, you are a rational sane even keel, well thought out seasoned politician. You thought you could be the GOP nominee. You crazy John, you crazy for this one jay. It is such an honor to be speaking at the correspondent dinner that nobody cares about. Wow. I mean tonight is definitive proof that we all definitely haven't made it. Thank you so much for going back to back with your browns. You guys are killing it. I love it. Next year's event my lala and student refugees hosting it. I like that. Tonight's event is brought to you by C-SPAN. C-SPAN, yes. For the eight people now watching, C-SPAN is now in HD. Now you can see all that legislation not getting passed in 1080p. All the inefficiencies, so crisp ladies and gentlemen, we are sitting here at the eve of the 2016 presidential election where we the American people get to vote for who we hate the least, and right now statistically it looks like Hillary Clinton should win. That's about right.
That is the right response.
Hillary Clinton generally gets. Hillary Clinton is like the broccoli of presidential choices she's good for you. Hillary Clinton is like that Toyota Camry of presidential options. Like if you were on the price is right and they presented you with the Hillary it would get the same response as a Camry. Oh no, I already had one in the '90s. No. [applause] Bernie sanders shook things up this year. Great, all all three of you in the building. I like Bernie. Bernie was like America’s cool substitute teacher. He came in and he was like everybody is getting pizza and you are all like hell yes I've been waiting for pizza and Hillary’s like that regular teacher and she's like, who's paying for the pizza. Were like shut up, and the cool guys as we get pizza. Some of trump's like Mexico is paying for the pizza and then dumb people are like oh yeah have the country pay for my pizza. This is great.
The republican party is here. What? How? Like how is 86% of the GOP like yes, races cheeto, finally. I live in a liberal bubble so I have yet to meet a trump supporter. You I met Paul Ryan three weeks ago but people change so usually I see people on the street and I say this person looks like a trump supporter and I'll say hey, who are you voting for a mill say whoa, hey, hey, I don't like to talk about politics. That's who's voting for trump. They're definitely voting for Donald Trump. I don't like to talk about politics is the new I’m not racist but. Everybody's been asking the question, how did he get so far. How did he do it? The answer has been under our noses the entire time peter diffusing the hit film back to the future to, the character biff is based on Donald Trump. This is real, 1989, he wrote the movie biff used on Donald Trump. He's trying to kill Michael J Fox. This is real. If that is true we are in the wrong alternate timeline right now you guys.
Everybody's asking, you where are his credentials. No where is the sports almanac. No wonder he's gone so far. He has already knows who will win the nba championship. Donald trump is an amazing professional wrestler. That's not a joke, no. He was inducted into the 2013 wwe hall of fame. This is not a joke. He told Vince McMahon. He shaved his head on screen. I have to say, he will be an incredible wrestler and I use to make fun of my cousin because he still thinks wrestling is real. In 2016, we live in a world where Jess even torah became governor of Minnesota and Donald Trump could be president of the united states of America.
You were right cousin, wrestling is real, politics is fake. I just have to come to grips with the fact that I’m sorry if I’m nervous, brown people, were going to get deported. Really this is just my farewell tour. I'm saying goodbye to America. I have to do all my American stuff now. I have to go to Costco for the last time, I have to get knocked out of the trump rally, I have to to do everything that makes this country great. There is a sliver of hope. (President) Barack Obama just recently endorsed Hillary Clinton and I gotta say, the media, you guys have had this double standard with Hillary. Just because she's a woman, you guys always go after her. She's too shrill. She's too serious. She dresses like she works at pf chang's. That's not fair. You know you wouldn't do that to Bernie. If hillary just like Bernie everywhere but he would be like hey, why is the pigeon lady from home alone to running for president.
What is going on? The reality of the situation is, if Hillary is the dude in the relationship and we don't know how to feel about it. We are all in bed with Hillary late at night and were looking at our cell phone going hey, hey, who's wall street. She's like don't worry about it babe. It's just a friend from work. [laughter] it's actually insulting to say that Hillary Clinton is a dude. Her accomplishments are bigger than gender. Look at why she has done in her life. In 1974 she was on the staff to impeach President Nixon. She was doing that in her 20s. She wrote them manga carter and 2015. She invented the telephone with Alexander graham bell. It's all real information. It's on a server you cannot see. So of course she is going to run for president. If anything, she is going to become president off of sheer desire alone. She wants it more than any presidential candidate in history. Hillary Clinton wants to be president so bad she is willing to sit in the same office, not a different office, not a replica scandal office. Now look, we've all been cheated on. I was cheated on my senior year of high school Janice I hope you're watching this. She cheated on me and worked at cinnabon at the mall. To this day, I cannot walk through a food court without bawling. I'll just just break down and cry and Hillary Clinton is like I want to manage cinnabon corporate. So what do you do when you get cheated on? I cry and listen to Coldplay. Hillary Clinton runs for president of the united states of America. Wow indeed. Say what you will about Claire Underwood but she has her eyes on the iron thrown in and she is saying come to mama. She is waiting for someone to tie a blue into the back of Bernie's chair so he just floats away. That's what she is waiting for. Enough talking about presidents. We are here to talk about congress. Laughmac.
If so mean of me to talk about a job that you will never have. Every member of congress wants to be president. Let's be real. There's a senator named Sheldon Whitehouse. That is the most ambitious name for a title you will never have. That is like my name being Hassan, head of homeland security. It's just not going to happen. Let's be real. Everyone in the media, they are hard on you guys. They say you are a do-nothing congress, but you guys do a lot. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You guys go to fundraisers you host fundraisers, you have your staff set up fundraisers for you to host, that's three things right there. That doesn't even include the time you tried to pass obamacare and gun control. That's five things you guys do. Yeah.
A lot of people at home don't know this but the average member of congress has to raise $1800 a day just for their party. It's incredible for as much time as people spend denying people money, you spend a lot of time begging for it. Don't worry, these jokes are for your donors at home, it's fine. When I was I was in the third grade, my teacher gave us this assignment. She said write a letter to your local member of congress asking what you would like to change. Like a dummy, I wrote that letter. But what she meant was that you were supposed to write that letter in the memo section of a signed check. Silly rabbit, letters are for Santa and checks are for congress. Maybe things won't change because congress approval rating is 12%. That's not even one star on yelp there are restaurants with rat infestations that are rated better than congress. That means 88% of people hate your dots. If you are in a mall and then people walk as you a people would hate your guts. 12%, if you are a cell phone, you would be unusable. Maybe things will change because you guys are just old. Like your average number in senate is 62 years old. My dad is 62. You can't pass legislation when you can barely pass about movement. You can't. I'm amazed capitol hill still as that. Now ultimately we are here to talk about the media which covers the do-nothing congress and here as a fake journalist I want to give a shout out to other big journalist.
CNN is here tonight, no, CNN is cool but what exactly do you guys do? Every time I turn on CNN, Wolf Blitzer is talking to a hologram, they're hosting a panel on whether or not we should use the n word and then Anthony is eating couscous. It's basically bravo with train crashes. I don't know what you do. CNN doesn't like subtlety. Have you seen the headlines? You guys write your headlines the way my dad writes his e-mails, plane crashed, many injured, Hassan come home. What? Vice news isn't here tonight. I like nice news. They're cool. They just send you a local barista to talk to the head of isis. It's incredible. Why is chad sitting down with big daddy.
If NBC is here tonight, NBC is cool, but you are everybody's annoying vegan friend. You're like I’m telling you, it will make sense in ten years. It's like not now Rachel. I actually like MSNBC. They do the actual news. I just don't want you to end up like al Jazeera America. Too soon? No really, I was interviewed once and I had to hold the boom mic while they interviewed me. People ask all the time, did the media create trump? Yes, you guys did. Donald trump bones in his interviews to meet the press. I don't mean that he doesn't try for his interviews, he literally calls in the way you and I order pizzas. He's like yeah, large pepperoni pizza no olives, don't send the Mexican. That's how he does his interviews. They don't call him a racist. They say his comments are race early tinged. No I’m racially tinged. That dude is racist. Straight up.
The Huffington Post, you know the Huffington post, the place where your bird driver can write an article. They have a disclaimer on their website calling him a racist. Buzzfeed refuses to take money from the GOP or Donald Trump. You know buzz feed, the place that tells you which Disney princess you are, they have more journalistic integrity than the New York times. For the record, I’m a jazzman and you are all Cruella Deville. Ultimately at the end of the day, I just hope that love overcome fears. I just hope that's what ends up winning.
Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible because I’ve never seen so many people spray tan that hate people of color. You are incredible Fox News and you're in New York where I’m based out of. The enemy walks amongst us and were only five blocks away. Every morning I have to watch you guys, it's the same thing. I have to walk past you guys during lunch. I see all these Fox News employees leave their building, cross the street, walked past me and then line up for chicken and rice. Racist randy just one fat red sauce. I love it. I love that your brain can be racist and your body will betray you. I love that. I love that all morning there just like Mexican. I love that. I don't even know how to pivot here, to be honest with you guys you know, what we saw in Orlando was one of the ugliest cocktails of the problems that we still see here in America. A cocktail of homophobia, lack of access to mental health care and sheer lack of political will all of us have been yelling out and crying out for change, but the sad reality is that we are all complicit in what happened.
Every day, in our workplaces and in our homes and religious institutions, there is covert or overt discrimination or phobia toward people of different religious, racial or sexual walks of life. We just sit there and we let it happen because it doesn't affect our bottom line. I don't think it's that way, they said it. It's not that simple. We just go on with our lives because it didn't affect our status quo. The sad reality is, stuff like this is going to continue to happen unless we recognize the civil liberties are an all or nothing game. The rising tide lifts all boats. It's not pick or choose. Whether you like it or not, we all have to step up and fight for each other otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Until we do that, the job these are going to get harassed in the streets members from the France community are going to be demonized for using the bathroom and my brothers and sisters in the immunity are going to get shot in paddy wagons until we stand up and say something. The thing that hurts me the most is I wish I would've done more. To my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community in every marginalized community, I’m sorry I didn't do more. And the same goes for congress. We look to you guys as our leader you make almost $200,000 a year to write rules and make our society better. Not too weak, not tell us about your thoughts and prayers, to write rules to make our society better.
Ultimately it comes down to money and influence. Right now since 1998, the nra has given $3.7 million to congress. There are 294 sitting members of congress that have accepted contributions from the nra and that doesn't include the millions of dollars from outside lobbyists. Before I get up here in my bubble and ask for gun control and universal background checks and banning assault rifles, we have to be able to have a conversation and right now, specifically congress has blocked legislation for the CDC to study gun related violence. We can't even talk about the issue with real statistics and facts. I don't know if this is why a kick starter thing, but if $3.7 million can buy political influence to take lives, if we raise $4 million would you guys take that? Would you take that to save life? I don't know. Ultimately, I just have to ask you this, when I got into combi and when you got into media and you got into politics we wanted to the best work week of possibly do. Is this what you want your legacy to be? That you were a could've done something congress but you didn't because of outside lobbying. That you were complicit in the deaths of thousands of lives? I know it's hard, yet the lookout for reelection and answer the lobbyists and placate your region. But please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. Good night. [applause]
That is the right response.
Hillary Clinton generally gets. Hillary Clinton is like the broccoli of presidential choices she's good for you. Hillary Clinton is like that Toyota Camry of presidential options. Like if you were on the price is right and they presented you with the Hillary it would get the same response as a Camry. Oh no, I already had one in the '90s. No. [applause] Bernie sanders shook things up this year. Great, all all three of you in the building. I like Bernie. Bernie was like America’s cool substitute teacher. He came in and he was like everybody is getting pizza and you are all like hell yes I've been waiting for pizza and Hillary’s like that regular teacher and she's like, who's paying for the pizza. Were like shut up, and the cool guys as we get pizza. Some of trump's like Mexico is paying for the pizza and then dumb people are like oh yeah have the country pay for my pizza. This is great.
The republican party is here. What? How? Like how is 86% of the GOP like yes, races cheeto, finally. I live in a liberal bubble so I have yet to meet a trump supporter. You I met Paul Ryan three weeks ago but people change so usually I see people on the street and I say this person looks like a trump supporter and I'll say hey, who are you voting for a mill say whoa, hey, hey, I don't like to talk about politics. That's who's voting for trump. They're definitely voting for Donald Trump. I don't like to talk about politics is the new I’m not racist but. Everybody's been asking the question, how did he get so far. How did he do it? The answer has been under our noses the entire time peter diffusing the hit film back to the future to, the character biff is based on Donald Trump. This is real, 1989, he wrote the movie biff used on Donald Trump. He's trying to kill Michael J Fox. This is real. If that is true we are in the wrong alternate timeline right now you guys.
Everybody's asking, you where are his credentials. No where is the sports almanac. No wonder he's gone so far. He has already knows who will win the nba championship. Donald trump is an amazing professional wrestler. That's not a joke, no. He was inducted into the 2013 wwe hall of fame. This is not a joke. He told Vince McMahon. He shaved his head on screen. I have to say, he will be an incredible wrestler and I use to make fun of my cousin because he still thinks wrestling is real. In 2016, we live in a world where Jess even torah became governor of Minnesota and Donald Trump could be president of the united states of America.
You were right cousin, wrestling is real, politics is fake. I just have to come to grips with the fact that I’m sorry if I’m nervous, brown people, were going to get deported. Really this is just my farewell tour. I'm saying goodbye to America. I have to do all my American stuff now. I have to go to Costco for the last time, I have to get knocked out of the trump rally, I have to to do everything that makes this country great. There is a sliver of hope. (President) Barack Obama just recently endorsed Hillary Clinton and I gotta say, the media, you guys have had this double standard with Hillary. Just because she's a woman, you guys always go after her. She's too shrill. She's too serious. She dresses like she works at pf chang's. That's not fair. You know you wouldn't do that to Bernie. If hillary just like Bernie everywhere but he would be like hey, why is the pigeon lady from home alone to running for president.
What is going on? The reality of the situation is, if Hillary is the dude in the relationship and we don't know how to feel about it. We are all in bed with Hillary late at night and were looking at our cell phone going hey, hey, who's wall street. She's like don't worry about it babe. It's just a friend from work. [laughter] it's actually insulting to say that Hillary Clinton is a dude. Her accomplishments are bigger than gender. Look at why she has done in her life. In 1974 she was on the staff to impeach President Nixon. She was doing that in her 20s. She wrote them manga carter and 2015. She invented the telephone with Alexander graham bell. It's all real information. It's on a server you cannot see. So of course she is going to run for president. If anything, she is going to become president off of sheer desire alone. She wants it more than any presidential candidate in history. Hillary Clinton wants to be president so bad she is willing to sit in the same office, not a different office, not a replica scandal office. Now look, we've all been cheated on. I was cheated on my senior year of high school Janice I hope you're watching this. She cheated on me and worked at cinnabon at the mall. To this day, I cannot walk through a food court without bawling. I'll just just break down and cry and Hillary Clinton is like I want to manage cinnabon corporate. So what do you do when you get cheated on? I cry and listen to Coldplay. Hillary Clinton runs for president of the united states of America. Wow indeed. Say what you will about Claire Underwood but she has her eyes on the iron thrown in and she is saying come to mama. She is waiting for someone to tie a blue into the back of Bernie's chair so he just floats away. That's what she is waiting for. Enough talking about presidents. We are here to talk about congress. Laughmac.
If so mean of me to talk about a job that you will never have. Every member of congress wants to be president. Let's be real. There's a senator named Sheldon Whitehouse. That is the most ambitious name for a title you will never have. That is like my name being Hassan, head of homeland security. It's just not going to happen. Let's be real. Everyone in the media, they are hard on you guys. They say you are a do-nothing congress, but you guys do a lot. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You guys go to fundraisers you host fundraisers, you have your staff set up fundraisers for you to host, that's three things right there. That doesn't even include the time you tried to pass obamacare and gun control. That's five things you guys do. Yeah.
A lot of people at home don't know this but the average member of congress has to raise $1800 a day just for their party. It's incredible for as much time as people spend denying people money, you spend a lot of time begging for it. Don't worry, these jokes are for your donors at home, it's fine. When I was I was in the third grade, my teacher gave us this assignment. She said write a letter to your local member of congress asking what you would like to change. Like a dummy, I wrote that letter. But what she meant was that you were supposed to write that letter in the memo section of a signed check. Silly rabbit, letters are for Santa and checks are for congress. Maybe things won't change because congress approval rating is 12%. That's not even one star on yelp there are restaurants with rat infestations that are rated better than congress. That means 88% of people hate your dots. If you are in a mall and then people walk as you a people would hate your guts. 12%, if you are a cell phone, you would be unusable. Maybe things will change because you guys are just old. Like your average number in senate is 62 years old. My dad is 62. You can't pass legislation when you can barely pass about movement. You can't. I'm amazed capitol hill still as that. Now ultimately we are here to talk about the media which covers the do-nothing congress and here as a fake journalist I want to give a shout out to other big journalist.
CNN is here tonight, no, CNN is cool but what exactly do you guys do? Every time I turn on CNN, Wolf Blitzer is talking to a hologram, they're hosting a panel on whether or not we should use the n word and then Anthony is eating couscous. It's basically bravo with train crashes. I don't know what you do. CNN doesn't like subtlety. Have you seen the headlines? You guys write your headlines the way my dad writes his e-mails, plane crashed, many injured, Hassan come home. What? Vice news isn't here tonight. I like nice news. They're cool. They just send you a local barista to talk to the head of isis. It's incredible. Why is chad sitting down with big daddy.
If NBC is here tonight, NBC is cool, but you are everybody's annoying vegan friend. You're like I’m telling you, it will make sense in ten years. It's like not now Rachel. I actually like MSNBC. They do the actual news. I just don't want you to end up like al Jazeera America. Too soon? No really, I was interviewed once and I had to hold the boom mic while they interviewed me. People ask all the time, did the media create trump? Yes, you guys did. Donald trump bones in his interviews to meet the press. I don't mean that he doesn't try for his interviews, he literally calls in the way you and I order pizzas. He's like yeah, large pepperoni pizza no olives, don't send the Mexican. That's how he does his interviews. They don't call him a racist. They say his comments are race early tinged. No I’m racially tinged. That dude is racist. Straight up.
The Huffington Post, you know the Huffington post, the place where your bird driver can write an article. They have a disclaimer on their website calling him a racist. Buzzfeed refuses to take money from the GOP or Donald Trump. You know buzz feed, the place that tells you which Disney princess you are, they have more journalistic integrity than the New York times. For the record, I’m a jazzman and you are all Cruella Deville. Ultimately at the end of the day, I just hope that love overcome fears. I just hope that's what ends up winning.
Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible because I’ve never seen so many people spray tan that hate people of color. You are incredible Fox News and you're in New York where I’m based out of. The enemy walks amongst us and were only five blocks away. Every morning I have to watch you guys, it's the same thing. I have to walk past you guys during lunch. I see all these Fox News employees leave their building, cross the street, walked past me and then line up for chicken and rice. Racist randy just one fat red sauce. I love it. I love that your brain can be racist and your body will betray you. I love that. I love that all morning there just like Mexican. I love that. I don't even know how to pivot here, to be honest with you guys you know, what we saw in Orlando was one of the ugliest cocktails of the problems that we still see here in America. A cocktail of homophobia, lack of access to mental health care and sheer lack of political will all of us have been yelling out and crying out for change, but the sad reality is that we are all complicit in what happened.
Every day, in our workplaces and in our homes and religious institutions, there is covert or overt discrimination or phobia toward people of different religious, racial or sexual walks of life. We just sit there and we let it happen because it doesn't affect our bottom line. I don't think it's that way, they said it. It's not that simple. We just go on with our lives because it didn't affect our status quo. The sad reality is, stuff like this is going to continue to happen unless we recognize the civil liberties are an all or nothing game. The rising tide lifts all boats. It's not pick or choose. Whether you like it or not, we all have to step up and fight for each other otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Until we do that, the job these are going to get harassed in the streets members from the France community are going to be demonized for using the bathroom and my brothers and sisters in the immunity are going to get shot in paddy wagons until we stand up and say something. The thing that hurts me the most is I wish I would've done more. To my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community in every marginalized community, I’m sorry I didn't do more. And the same goes for congress. We look to you guys as our leader you make almost $200,000 a year to write rules and make our society better. Not too weak, not tell us about your thoughts and prayers, to write rules to make our society better.
Ultimately it comes down to money and influence. Right now since 1998, the nra has given $3.7 million to congress. There are 294 sitting members of congress that have accepted contributions from the nra and that doesn't include the millions of dollars from outside lobbyists. Before I get up here in my bubble and ask for gun control and universal background checks and banning assault rifles, we have to be able to have a conversation and right now, specifically congress has blocked legislation for the CDC to study gun related violence. We can't even talk about the issue with real statistics and facts. I don't know if this is why a kick starter thing, but if $3.7 million can buy political influence to take lives, if we raise $4 million would you guys take that? Would you take that to save life? I don't know. Ultimately, I just have to ask you this, when I got into combi and when you got into media and you got into politics we wanted to the best work week of possibly do. Is this what you want your legacy to be? That you were a could've done something congress but you didn't because of outside lobbying. That you were complicit in the deaths of thousands of lives? I know it's hard, yet the lookout for reelection and answer the lobbyists and placate your region. But please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. Good night. [applause]